Catching Up

I haven’t blogged here recently, and I don’t really know why.  Like everyone else, I let busy I suppose.  I had my vertical sleeve surgery January 22 of this year.  Things are going well, I am down about 80 pounds.  When I get to 100 pounds lost I am planning a tattoo.  I can tell my husband isn’t in love with the idea of me getting a tattoo but if I am being true to myself, I have always wanted one and I can’t help but feel like I have given up a lot in the name of practicality, I hardly ever do my art anymore, and this is just a piece of myself I don’t really want to let go.  I’m getting the tattoo.

 I’m also working as a registered nurse in a rehab facility now, which I love most days. I’m working on a project I’m going to be writing about here very soon.  Just wanted to drop in and reconnect with this space. 

Oh Solitude

New Years – the Hubs is off to work and I am home alone.  I miss him

Oh wells.  Tomorrow (technically today) the preoperative liquid diet starts.  It’s 570 calories a day, 76 grams of protein, and 31 grams of carbohydrate.  The idea is to drop a significant portion of body weight, and reduce the mass of the liver preoperatively to aid in the surgical process.  Let’s face it, the weight loss is awesome too, but it’s not the main idea behind this particular design of dietary plan. 

Also I have officially picked out the vertical sleeve.  It has about the same outcome weight loss wise without the very high rate of long term complication.  So that’s that.

EGD and labs are scheduled for 1/14 and surgery is in 21 days, on the 22nd.

I’m very much looking forward to a different chapter in my life. 

Another year on the books.

I don’t believe in new year’s resolutions but I’m going for it anyway.  I’m a little early but why wait.  Especially don’t believe in weight related resolutions so I’m staying away from that topic.  I have some thoughts on that but I will keep them private.

I have decided that I have enough cosmetic products.  I am setting a goal for myself to purchase ZERO cosmetic items this year.  More specifically I mean makeup, not shampoo and other items like that.  The only exception I make for this is if I run out of foundation or pressed powder.  I don’t even really think that will be a problem and those are daily use items.  This year I spent more money on makeup than I have in probably several years put together but its been on genuinely nice things, not its time to use them up.  I have the original naked palette which was not small or cheap, it’s a ton of eyeshadow, I need to really get some use out of the thing.  That will only happen if I stop chasing after the latest and greatest whatever. 

The other thing is going to me much more difficult but I am going to try to avoid walmart for all things except when I absolutely cannot avoid it.  They are a shitty company that treats their people like dirt and they do not deserve all the business I give them.   In all honestly, I don’t know how that’s going to go but I have made up my mind. 

Bariatric Bad Girls Club or Bariatric bitches?

I am really struggling with my sense of belonging within the WLS community, I always have.  Partly because I march to the beat of my own drum, partly because I have a different perspective on things as a care provider, and partly because I’ve always been the type to speak up if people are dead wrong, or bullying others.

Ideally it’s considered admirable to stick up for the underdog but in reality, it’s easy to make the person defending someone else look argumentative, aggressive, and obstinate.  There have only been one or two instances in my life where this has really reared its head, but about a week ago I was reminded of this when some woman (who I might add, was old enough to know better) made some snarky comment about how she suspected Kirstie Alley was lying about her dress size.  The first thing I thought about was how in the world anyone could claim to know this, the woman’s weight fluctuates on the extreme pretty often.  My second thought was about how telling this really is about women, especially emotionally stunted women who have maybe been fat their whole lives and never developed a social etiquette outside of what was acceptable in their own safe group of women of similar circumstance.

We all moved on, I let it be known that this was something that, according to the rules of the group, seemed inappropriate and again, everyone moved on with their lives.

A few days later I unknowingly sinned against all mankind when I DARED to suggest within this group that some supplementation, even with cheaper or inadequate nutrition, was better than nothing.  Never mind the fact that these people seem to think that all things depend on supplementation, when, in reality, everyone, WLS or otherwise, should be getting the bulk of their nutrition from food.   Fancy high dollar tablets will not save you if you still do the same things you did that brought you to your high weights.  I have never received so many nasty messages in my life. 

I left the group, thinking I would rejoin a few hours later when things blew over so that people would not be able to send message me anymore but on no.  I dared to challenge what all these harpies had to say and paid the price.  I can no longer be a part of that group, which only makes me sad because it’s the largest as far as I know and most active one out there. 

In a way I am glad I found this out while I am still preop though, because I have time to figure out other sources of support before I actually do the deed.  I am just depressed with the state of women these days.  Nasty, hateful, and cliquish. 

Also I am sad because I no longer know how I should think about the lovely Melting Mama herself.  I had had an interesting conversation with her the very day this happened about the neurological effects of RNY but I suppose that doesn’t really matter.   It was a blow to me because she has been a realistic role model from day one, even way back when I had a lapband and now I feel personally rejected. 

The subtitle of her page reads “advocacy and support” I guess its only advocacy of the “party line” so to speak, not the facts, and only support if you don’t dare rock the boat or let someone know when their logic is poor.  After all, I never said that it was a good thing to take bad vitamins, only that it was BETTER THAN TAKING NOTHING AT ALL, and I stand by that, the real question is this; Bariatric Bad Girls, what the hell do YOU stand for? 

I’m in.

Long time no see, but I saw that too often here.   Lots to say, lots to do, but I thought I would take a break from my studying to post an update.  33 days till graduation, and it couldn’t come any sooner.  Also, so no one can accuse me of being a tease, I’ll come right out with it and say that I have decided to go forward with my plans to have an RNY gastric bypass with a private hospital here in the lovely Johnson County.   Because it is a private hospital in Johnson County (swanky, expensive) I have to iron out the details with the insurance company but the ball is in my court, I just need to concentrate on school for the next few weeks.  I am REALLY struggling with “last supper syndrome” which is hard for me to fess up too, but there it is.  My husband and I had Chinese the other day with a friend of his and it was great but all of that is going to come to an end soon.   I have some other topics but I am going to make a separate post for the sake of readability.  I hear most people don’t enjoy a big old wall-o-text. 

Fitness update

Things are great, honestly, and for once that’s not sarcasm!

I get a new scale in the mail tomorrow probably but my weigh in day is more than likely going to be Thursdays from here on out.  For some reason I have had a renewed sense of focus lately that has really helped me buckle down on calorie consumption.  It’s not going to come off overnight but I am already feeling better, looking less bloated and soon I hope to see some changes in my clothing.

It’s you

I really hate that feeling when you can’t say for certain whether its everyone else or me.

You know what I’m talking about so don’t even act like you don’t.  Everyone deals with it but it’s also an integral part of what it is to be female.  Is she the bitch or am I needy?  Has the whole world lost its damn mind or am I in my head too much?

Who fucking knows anymore?

I hate flakey people.  If it takes you four days to get back to me about something simple, go ahead and fuck off.  I’m not here for your convenience, or lend an ear for you to bitch into when your irritated and then to be OK with it when you drop of the face of the earth when you’re finished with me.

Kicking Ass or Just Looking Like an Ass?

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

Sounds fun right?  Being some kind of loud (figuratively) activist who always stands up for what I know to be right and wrong has always had certain shininess to me.  It’s a good thing too, otherwise I would be quite discontent with who I really am. 

As I get older I am starting to realize that not everyone finds this quality as attractive as I always have.   I never expected anyone to be impressed with my calling the law on the animal abusers (see previous post for the skinny on that) but when it comes to minor triumphs like letting some far right loon know I’ve got my eye on her I never expected people to see me as some kind of out of control conflict seeker. 

Even my beloved husband was unimpressed with my dealings with online bigots hiding behind their keyboards frothing at the mouth with chick-fil-a grease and the remnants of old waffle fries mashed into their unwashed bras. 

*sigh*

I don’t know what I expected, my bubble is forever being burst with the harsh reality that most people don’t give two fucks about anything, and I will always be the bad guy for having something to say.

This again?

My last post was about cutting contact with someone I had been close with, but who’s friendship with me had really just run its course. Well, here we are again, but only we are doing it big this time!

It’s bittersweet, it was a long time coming, but I didn’t expect the huge blowup either.  Long story short – my friend was getting divorced – no problem, I understand completely, the hubster was a general asshole about most things, and they really just weren’t all that compatible in the first place.  I had offered to help her move, which was my first mistake.  I get to the house – no one is there.  Thats fine, I am several hours late so they have obviously finished and gone back to her parents place (I know…) but then their dog walks up to me, panting hard from the heat.  I dont see water so I walk around the house, the large trough they had been using was damn near empty, and the water that was in it was disgustingly filthy and HOT.  It was basically mud.  I circle the house once or twice, make sure I’m not missing anything and go ahead and fill the trough and leave.

I go to said friends parents place and ask her if she knows about this.  She confirms that the hubster keeps the animal out at all times, which is legal but fucking mean, especially in this heat, and she also confirms that she is aware that this has been going on, that she has been out there and the dog has had nothing, and she also let me know a week or two earlier that she knew the chickens had either been shot or just let them die, no one knows for sure.  Either way, these people are disgusting irresponsible white trash, and I am no longer interested in their friendship.  I reported them, they will now be checked up on, which I don’t know if they know that or not, don’t care.  That’s the end of it.

This friend was never like this until she married this idiot, but she has had an incredible selfish streak and the people around her do nothing but enable it.  Her mother had the balls to call me up and patronize me about what I did, and tell me that I don’t understand anything about being victimized (insert massive eye roll here, seriously?) hilarious considering these people know next to nothing about the way I was raised, but whatever.

What makes it even more comical though is said friend has been having steamy three ways with another married couple and so they were harassing me about all of this too, as though I did anything wrong for reporting an animal is being mistreated.

But yeah, so that knocked a whole slew of people off my contact list, the main offender herself, her ever loyal equally trashy sister, her mother who sadly dont see it my way, dont really expect her too, because thats her daughter, but mom had been a friend as well, her husband, and three way partner extraordinaire, although we were never close.

I’m basically down to my BFF and my husband, which is maybe better.  I feel like I’ve lost weight.

And Then There Was One

I’ve written this post several times, pouring out whats on my mind but it just doesn’t come out the way I want it too. Luckily in this case I don’t really think anyone reads this blog so I will just roll with it this time.

Yesterday I cut off contact with someone who I had considered an extremely close friend. A best friend, even. We shared some of the best times I’ve had in my life. I’d go so far to say she was a sister to me, and I love her daughter as if she were my own which is saying a lot because I really don’t care for children.

All of this is true and it remains true but there is this severe imbalance in the relationship. Most people would have jumped ship a long time ago, and had I had the strength within myself that I should have had all along I would have as well.

This is extremely hard for me, especially because I have very very few close friends but I think it’s better to be alone than it is to be abused and disrespected.